Why, hello there….

I have been away a while.  Years.  It seems having two kids, a career, a husband, and a graduate degree in progress are a little much for me to blog.  Facebook is easier and quicker.  But, I still think this is a cathartic experience to jot down my thoughts so I guess I will see if I can carve yet a few more minutes from the skinny apple core of time remaining in a typical day.

Typical. Yeah, speaking of.  When I last left you, my 7 year-old was 6….and not diagnosed with anything most people comprehend.  Now, we have a shiny new diagnosis on the autism spectrum and a request in to the local psychologist group.  He is fine.  Not awesome but ok.  We have daily challenges that most people would consider “off” days but hubs and I know what it is.  It is the dark, question mark side of him that brings tears too easily, frustration too deeply, and worry that helps me toss and turn just a few more times at night.

Matt is Drew’s polar opposite.  Fun, easy going, happy, a free spirit.  The sibling rivalry has more to do with the jealousy his older brother feels at how easily concepts come to him and how he lights up a tense moment than anything else.

The rest of life is rolling on.  We are blessed, we keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to slow down enough to enjoy the sun and all the good things.  This blog is a good thing and I will try to visit again, soon.

Don’t Wanna

There are a lot of things that have happened since I stopped posting.  To be honest, posting isn’t really on my mind most days.  I don’t have much extra time after work and the job I once had that allowed me to write, is long gone.  Nevertheless, I intend to make a comeback.  I plan to return to this dusty thing and type about life some more.  I will be back.  Just not today.  :)

Seeing Is Believing

I can not believe the boy who fills his bed, is my little Drew.  His head rests on his pillow and his feet continue to creep further and further to the end.  I can’t believe the little boy who once couldn’t find his voice is learning to read and write.  I can not believe he not only answered the door on Halloween, but asked each child, “Do you like Snickers?” before carefully selecting one and dropping it in their bag.  Girls got 2…one lucky young lady got 3.  I can’t believe how red his face got when her friend teased her about it.  “oh, he likes you!”  I can’t believe how he calmly closed the door and looked up at me, smiled, and explained that she looked pretty.

Every once in a while his teacher sends me an email.  I can’t believe how much they surprise me.  I should know him.  I shouldn’t be shocked to hear that he learned how to lie.  I shouldn’t be laughing at my desk at his latest Drewism because I’ve heard him make the same comments before.  But I do.  I laugh, I gasp and I beam with pride.  I sometimes fill with frustration but usually, I smile and dream of the moment when I walk in the door.  He will yell my name and run to give me my hug.   My boy, so big yet so little.  So different but still the same.  I see him as others do now, but he will always be the boy I know better than anyone. 

Dear Andrew…5 Years Old

You used to sing so perfectly.  Key and pitch seemed such a easy things to find even when the words were not.

But on your 5th birthday, finding words, even huge, 20 year-old mature, college sophomore words, comes with ease and frequency…but your pitch, while singing the theme song to Indiana Jones, could use a little work.

I still think your are musically gifted but it is enthusiasm that has your, “duh duh DAH dah,”  going a bit too far into the soprano range.  I smile with pride because I am the reason for your unabashed joy.  I am throwing you a pool party.

As you sing and leap around the living room, your daddy and I giggle to ourselves.  How far you have come in 5 years.  I can’t believe there was a time when I cried about your development because you, my love, are nothing short of amazing.  So very smart, so frustratingly observant (can’t get a thing past you), and so darn grown. This last year, you’ve become much more emotional, giving in to tears not only during sad times but also during happiness,  pride, embarrassment.

It has been an emotional few weeks.  When you turned 4, you asked us to give you a little brother.  He is now a very loved fixture in your life, which was not really a surprise.  You wanted him so badly, we just knew you would be instant buddies.  We didn’t expect to see you in a new light when we brought him home.  It was like you grew, in that moment in time, by another year or two.  It both hurt and felt incredibly surreal.  Our baby is no more, he is a little boy.  One full of promise and potential but also one who has already achieved so much.

This week, you will graduate from preschool.  It seemed like a cruel joke to be signing your up for kindergarten the week we expected Matty to arrive.  It felt like closing a chapter with you and opening it with him.  For you, this is a whole new adventure that begins with this August and continues for the next 13 years.  I know you will enjoy it.  You admit to being scared now but you will find your place in this new world and beam with pride from all of your accomplishments.  You love the taste of success and you will have a healthy portion.

You make us so proud each and every day, Andrew.  You have always been so very loved and wanted in our lives from the day you were born and continuing every day since.  We want so much for you and are so blessed to be part of this exciting journey.

Happy birthday, sweet, darling boy.  May this next year lead to more independence, more exciting adventures and many, many more smiles.  We love you.

Meet Matthew…

So, we had a baby.  That’s where I’ve been.

 He is precious and wonderful and *ahem* 11 weeks old today.  Sorry, been busy!

Matty came into the world in a hurry.  We were scheduled for an induction on March 10th and ended up running to the hospital the night before, at 5:45.  We arrived at 6:00 and he was born 15 minutes later.  They didn’t even have time to place the iv.   Poor Drew was frightened in the car when mommy shrieked through a contraction.  Luckily, my parents met us at the hospital and took care of Drew while we were rushed to L and D.  I wish it had happened a bit slower but I didn’t realize it was that bad until it was and then, it was over and he was in our arms. 

Drew was allowed into the room just minutes later and he helped with his first bath and the wonderful nurse let him choose the hat.  My parents were allowed in at this point as well.  It was a nice chance for everyone to meet him and for Matty to bond.  

Fast forward a few weeks and we are working to resolve Matt’s acid reflux and substantial eczema.  I have returned to work and my mom is caring for our darling boy.  I am pumping…not happily but I know he is worth the work and discomfort.

I didn’t feel like our family was complete until his arrival.  Matty fills a space that I felt in my heart.  My two boys are the lights of my life and Brian and I couldn’t be happier.

Tragedy

25 years ago today, I sat on the couch and watched the space shuttle lift off magnificently, only to transform into an enormous line of flames and smoke.  It is an image so clear in my mind, it is hard to imagine 25 years have passed.

It was a snow day, which meant we were home from school.  We gathered around the family room television because we knew the launch was scheduled to take place.  Just seconds before the explosion, I was thinking about how exciting it all was…and how I would love to be the person explaining what was happening as the big ship lifted into the air.

After we realized what happened,  I cried and began feeling so sorry for the astronaut’s children who were probably watching as I was.  There could be no more horrible way to learn of your loved one’s death than to see it live on television or in person.  But while my brother and I were so saddened by what happened, I was also transfixed on the coverage.  I couldn’t get up.  I sat and watched for hours long after he went to play with his toys.  It was morbid, yet I wanted to hear from everyone and see their reactions.  I decided then and there that reporting was what I would do for a living.  My parents bought me a tape recorder so I could practice my interviews.  Eventually, I became a television reporter who had to seperate myself from tragedy.  It isn’t nearly as glamorous as it sounds.  Campus shootings, murders, death and despair.  I covered 13 years of horrible and wonderful events.  9-11 was the worst for me.  Every American had to find a way to push their fears, saddness, and other personal emotions deep down while we kept moving.  Those in the news business never had the time to heal from our hurt, to call those we were concerned about.  We had to find a local angle – other than our own.

Now, 25 years later, I see these tragedies so much differently.  I think about each year that has passed and how difficult it must be for those left behind.  I think about the editorials and the one-liners and how hurtful they can be to the families.

Now that I am a parent, the worst mental image is that of my son’s depair.  The look on his face if he was to suffer such a loss.  It is heart wrenching, to say the least.  The feeling of being powerless to stop something bigger than us is so overwhelming to me.

In the last few years I covered news stories, they became so silly.  I hated  asking people how they felt after a tragedy.  I knew it was time for a change.  I still want to reach for a microphone when some big story happens, but I also want to send a check, condolences, something…ANYTHING to help those who are the victims.

It is so hard to understand why these things happen to anyone.  Yet, they do.  Every day. 

I remember the astronauts, the shooting victims, the families of tragedy.  I don’t remember all of their names, but I pray for them.  We all should for we are still here and are blessed to enjoy all we do each day.

Sleepless in NC

This has been a rough winter for us.  First Drew was sick, then I got it, then Brian.  Drew healed quickly but my ailment dragged on for nearly 10 weeks.  My preggo state makes me very susceptible to germs and boy and boy did they have a field day in my body! 

After several rounds of antibiotics, Bri and I were finally on the mend.  I joked about it being Andrew’s turn again…damn it! When will I learn?  So, now he has a stuffy nose and we are just days from Christmas.  

Andrew is not a big fan of a stuffy nose.  He finds it necessary to walk up to you, sleeping or awake, and attempt to breathe in and out of his nose.  His nasal passages will not let much pass so it is a noisey experience.  He likes to do this in the wee hours of the morning, just inches from my head.  He did it twice two nights ago and again, several times, last evening. 

Another perk of pregnancy – specifically 3rd trimester – is my inability to fall asleep easily.  I usually pass out immediately upon pillow touch-down, but if I wake to pee or blow my own nose (or a certain someone’s) it takes a while to get back to slumbertown.  Try as I might, I couldn’t get back there the last two nights.  I think this is God’s way of preparing me for the infant, scheduled to arrive in 12 or less weeks.  If I can only sleep 3 or 4 hours at a time now, maybe that will make it easier when it is 2-3 hours in a few months?

These are the thoughts of a seriously sleep-deprived mommy.

Perspective

So, I was a bit over-emotional over the whole GD thing.  I now test 4 times a day and eat low-carb foods.  Life goes on.  All is well.

Baby boy is already measuring 2 lbs 9 ounces (give or take) and I have lost 2 lbs so far this pregnancy.  I am not trying to lose, but given the baby is growing beautifully and all measurements look great, the doctor says, “carry on!”  We are 28 weeks this week.

In other news, we didn’t make enough Christmas cards.  I sent one to nearly everyone who sent one to us and to most of our family and friends.  But, there are some people I would love to share this with, so here you go!

Enjoy and Merry Christmas!